I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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