BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize