Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So squirting runs in the family.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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