I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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