I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
