Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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