I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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