Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
