i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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