Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
