Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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