I think i sorta joined a cult last night
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
