I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
