i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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