I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
