I'm going to jail i love you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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