Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
