Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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