why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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