hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
