Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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