Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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