i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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