My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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