I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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