She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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