I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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