I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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