I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
