I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
