Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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