In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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