First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
