Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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