his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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