my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize