P.S. I can't hear my feet
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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