I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
