Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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