my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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