We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
50% drunk capacity currently
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
