I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
