I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
