matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
