fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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