I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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