did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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