I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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