Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
