I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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