I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
