It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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