You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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