Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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