Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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