What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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