wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
